An American Ex-Pat in... America.

Mitt Romney and the Blood of Reagan

From the BBC: The foundation of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan has expressed outrage after a vial said to have held a sample of his blood was put on sale in an online auction.

U.K.-based PFC Auctions says the blood was taken from Reagan after the failed 1981 assassination attempt against him.

The PFC website put the latest bid for the vial at £6,270 ($9,910) on Tuesday….

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Mitt Romney campaign headquarters. The candidate is in a meeting with a number of his aides, including advisers Eric Fehrnstrom and strategist Ed Gillespie. He’s displaying an intensely angry side of himself the public’s never seen.

“Goddammit, Eric, how’d it get out that there’s a vial of Reagan blood out there?” Romney storms. “I’ll fire the bastard who leaked it — and we all know I’m good at firing people!”

“Governor — “

“An auction? Can you imagine how dangerous this would be if it fell into Gingrich’s hands ahead of the convention? Bachmann’s?” Romney yells. “That blood can seal the presidency!”

“We’ve confirmed the blood is still in the U.K.,” Gillespie says. “Gingrich’s people are no closer to getting it than we are.”

Romney is fuming.

“With the Blood of Reagan, I could warn against the perils of Big Government spending, while raising the debt ceiling 18 times,” he says. “I could reform Social Security and Medicare without decimating them.”

Romney looks up. “I could be the national father figure everyone craves — not a guy from a Land’s End catalog.”

“Yes, Governor, we’re aware.”

“So why can’t I just give them a million dollars for it? For god’s sake, how many Super PACs do I have?”

“If word got out that you offered a million dollars for the Blood of Reagan, when the highest offer is under $10 thousand,” Fehrnstrom says, “you’d look as out of touch with the middle class as when you bet Rick Perry during the middle of a debate.”

“Is that so, Etch-a-Sketch?” Romney sneers. “I want that blood.”

“But what if there’s a trend? I’m not sure we want to risk having the Tea Party trying to dig up the Founding Fathers,” Gillespie says. “I mean — literally.”

“The Blood of Reagan means a landslide victory,” Romney says, sounding envious. “And invasions that only last a weekend!”

“But there’s something else,” Fehrnstrom says. He shifts uncomfortably. “It could turn you into a Democrat.”

“How so?”

“Well, Obama in many ways is just a 90’s era Republican — especially on defense. And he killed bin Laden. So you’ve got to play to the right of that,” Gillespie says. “Having you on both sides of every issue just hasn’t been working.”

Fehrnstrom nods. “With Santorum’s anti-women crusade, Tea Party fundamentalism and Boehner’s campaign of contrarianism, America’s been pulled so far to the right, that the Blood of Reagan would shift you left on the political spectrum — once and for all!”

“Is that really so bad, for the former governor of Massachusetts?” Romney looks momentarily thoughtful. “I mean, I hate having to disavow Romneycare.”

Fehrnstrom looks alarmed. “Think about it! The Blood of Reagan turns the Republican presidential candidate into a Democrat? You can’t do it! The party would finally collapse in on itself! The Republican narrative can’t take any more blows!”

The room goes quiet.

“What would it look like,” Romney asks softly, “if I turned Democrat?”

“It wouldn’t look too different,” the Gillespie says. “First, you’d hear yourself apologizing for attacking that gay kid, and supporting gay marriage.”

“But it wouldn’t be too bad,” Gillespie says. “You’d still have record numbers of lobbyists. Indefinite detentions. And you’d still have drones.”

Romney thinks for a moment. “But if Gingrich gets the blood? Before Tampa?”

“We spin it as a transparent attempt to manipulate the memory of a pillar of the Republican party, when being Republican meant bringing down Communism without firing a shot, it meant uniting the country during times of national tragedy, not dividing it, and it meant putting the public interest over political sabotage.”

“Besides, it could turn Gingrich into a Democrat, too,” says Gillespie, “just when he needs to get back on the lecture and punditry circuit. He hasn’t got the nerve.”

“What if we get the blood, but hold off on using it unless we really need to?” Romney asks. “Just so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.”

Fehrnstrom exhales.

“We can do that,” he says. “We’ll send someone to the U.K. today. We don’t want the Obama people making a move.”

Romney speaks quietly, but with conviction. “I could really use that blood.”


Also running on The Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mp-nunan/mitt-romney-and-the-blood_b_1537184.html 

Ratko Mladic vs. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in “Who’s the Biggest Ass?”

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the latest installment of  “Who’s the Biggest Ass,” the contest that pits the behavior of defendants at war crime tribunals against each other and - against the validity of the tribunals themselves! I’m Jim Savage, and this is Bob Sisco.

BOB:   That’s right! And our next contest looks set to be a doozy!  It’s Serbian military commander Ratko Mladic at the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia in the Hague….

JIM: …. versus Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, architect of the September 11th attacks on New York and Washington, and his four co-defendants arraigned at the military tribunal in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba!

JIM:  Before we begin, let’s go over the rules for our viewers new to “Who’s the Biggest Ass.”

BOB:  Here at WBA, we examine cases of international jurisprudence based on criteria including questions of due process, the validity and impartiality of the court itself, and the abominable behavior of defendants during the trial!  Because behaving like an ass is a point of pride for many!

JIM:  Remember, if you’re megalomaniacal enough to orchestrate the massacre of, for example, your nation’s ethnic or religious minorities, you’re unlikely to recognize the authority of the court!  

BOB: Our referees will reward the defendants points based on appalling behavior, but these points can be subtracted when questions of the court’s integrity and legitimacy come into play. Each defendant starts with 50 points.

JIM:  The winner is the defendant who’s less of an ass - although in cases like these, many defendants appear to be going for the opposite goal!

BOB:  Now let’s take a look - and right off the bat, 5 points awarded to Mladic as he walks into the courtroom as he gives a “thumbs-up” sign to Serbian supporters in the public gallery! 

JIM: All signs of arrogance are fair play for our refs at the WBA! But the refs are overlooking the insults hurled at Mladic as he walked in - including someone who called him a “vulture.”

BOB:   Let’s go to the charges that brought “the Butcher of Bosnia” to the dock.  He faces 11 charges including genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity - with a special focus on the massacre of 8 thousand Muslim men and boys in Srebenica in 1995 - in the single worst atrocity on European soil since World War II.

JIM:  That’s right  - and that was a UN designated “safe haven,” where Dutch peacekeepers oversaw what was arguably the worst systemic failure of the United Nations ever.

BOB:  And with friends like that, who needs….

JIM:  Oh no, you didn’t…!

BOB:  Alright, I’ll leave it alone! Let’s not forget Mladic’s role in the 44 month Siege of Sarajevo!  Look at this! Another 10 points to Mladic for drawing his finger across his throat in response to a Bosnian Muslim woman in the public gallery.

JIM: That’s a threat of execution if I ever saw one!

BOB:  I haven’t had this much fun since Saddam Hussein ranted at the court during his 2006 tribunal in Baghdad!

JIM: And what an end to that case!  A pre-dawn secret hanging as Iraqi executioners mocked and videotaped the defendant —  just hammering the ‘legitimacy’ score — resulting in a posthumous upset for Saddam!

BOB: It’s just too bad he couldn’t enjoy it.

JIM: We’re off to a rip-roaring start in the Hague, but let’s turn our attention now to Guantanamo Bay and the most awaited trial of the past decade!

JIM:  And it’s been chaos since the very beginning!

BOB:  First, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was awarded 20 points off the bat for refusing to respond to judges’ questions - half of which were immediately subtracted because one of his co-defendants was wheeled into the courtroom in restraints, for no apparent reason! 

JIM:  And now - what’s this? Oh! Another 10 points to the defendants for standing up in the middle of proceedings to pray! 

BOB:  We can expect that to be a common theme throughout proceedings as the Islamic extremist defendants are expected to pray five times a day!

JIM:  Let’s watch now as the refs gather to discuss some points of due process… this could hit the courtroom hard…..

BOB:  …. This is the second time these defendants have been arraigned since 2008…. That’s already a long time since 9/11…..and the Feds couldn’t get it together to have a trial in New York City,  or to close Guantanamo as President Obama promised he’d do his first year in office….

JIM:  The refs have made their decision, ohmygod! It’s a staggering one at that!  Seventy-five points subtracted for a lack of due process, transparency, and access to clients by their lawyers!

BOB:  That’s got to make defense attorney Cheryl Bormann happy. As the sole female member of the defense team, she’s so committed to this trial, she’s wearing nearly a full burqa to appease her clients, and asking prosecutors to dress more conservatively.

JIM:  A move that our WBA refs have not figured out how to score!

BOB:  Wow.  I’m not sure military prosecutors can ever come from behind to beat a 75 point loss! The questionable integrity of the proceedings will overshadow any bad behavior by the defendants and any verdict that’s reached!

JIM:   That’s much less of a problem in the Hague, where the tribunal on the former Yugoslavia is seen as a infinitely more valid legal forum for the application of international law!

BOB:  True, but perhaps defense attorneys there may question the quid pro quo! Serbia only handed over Mladic so it could enter the European Union!

JIM:  As if they’d want to now! But look at this! Here’s Mladic claiming he’s innocent of all charges - but refusing to enter a formal plea!  Ten more points!

 BOB: That’s despite damning video evidence sure to come up of Mladic bragging his way through the days leading up to the Srebenica massacre!

JIM: So let’s call it! After day one of proceedings in both tribunals, Ratko Mladic is the Biggest Ass!

BOB:  Join us as both tribunals continue!

JIM:  And in the years to come, as we hope to bring you the Libyan trial of  Seif al-Qaddafi, versus Joseph Kony in the Hague!

BOB:  Just as soon as they catch him.

Burma - or is it Myanmar? - Goes to See Its Shrink

The nation of Burma shuffles into its psychologist’s office, and plops down heavily in a chair.

“Thanks for seeing me outside our regular appointment,” Burma says. “I had a really bad weekend.”

“Or a really good one,” says the shrink. “The first reasonably free-and-fair election since 1990?”    

Burma looks up but says nothing. It gives a slight shrug to its shoulders.

“Remember, a lot of these things are about changing your perception,” the psychologist says.

Burma puts its face in its hands.

“Are you regretting what you’ve done?” asks the shrink.  “Wait – don’t answer that yet. What am I calling you today? ‘Burma’ or ‘Myanmar?’”

“Honestly – either one is fine.” Burma says, slouching in its chair. “Although I’m feeling in a slightly more Myanmar mood.”

“OK, Myanmar,” the shrink says. “The military’s held power since 1962 when it took over in a coup. They reigned with impunity for decades – hitting all the demagoguery hallmarks – locking up dissidents, refusing elections, forbidding a free press and more.

The last time you held a free election in 1990, the National League for Democracy swept to power. But you refused to acknowledge the defeat at the polls – and locked up democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi in house arrest or jail for most of the next 20 years.”

Myanmar looks up and exhales. “And I changed my name.”

“But 1990 is where the self-loathing really set in.”

Myanmar just stares at the floor.

“Let’s go over again what you didn’t like about yourself,”  says the shrink.

“I didn’t like how everyone began shunning me,” Myanmar says. “No full diplomatic relations. Sanctions. And the US, the UK, a lot of Europe, and a bunch of my own people, they don’t call me by my new name. Everyone keeps insisting on ‘Burma.’”

“China and ASEAN call you by your new name.”

“They just wanted me for trade reasons. For my natural resources - teak, gemstones, access to my ports. It wasn’t really about me.”

“What else?” asks the psychologist.

“And I don’t like being so near the top of the Failed States Index. Did you know the Democratic Republic of Congo scores better than me?”

“Remember, there’s a simple cause and effect here. Your border wars represent the longest running civil war in the world,” the psychologist says.

“It doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“All these things make you angry – and remember, what’s the addiction pattern you fall into when you’re angry?”

Myanmar looks down at the floor.  He mumbles something.

“What’s that?” asks shrink.

“I use absolute power to hurt others,” Myanmar says.

“That’s right. Arresting and re-arresting Aung San Suu Kyi? Refusing aid to victims of Cyclone Nargis? The bloody crackdown on monks – monks, for heaven’s sake, during the Saffron Revolution? How did that make you feel?”

“It felt really good – for a little while. It was…. ecstatic!” Myanmar says, suddenly lost in an excited revelry.  “Ohmygod, I love that feeling of, of – omnipotence.”

The shrink looks at Myanmar steadily. “But we’ve talked about this. When that buzz from absolute power wears off, how do you feel?”

“Worse.”  Myanmar catches his shrink’s eye.  Its tone is like a dejected teenager’s. “Worse than when I started.”

There’s a pause.

“But I’m really proud of you,” the shrink says.

“You are?

“What you did this past weekend?  The first more-or-less free and fair election since 1990?  Even if it was just a by-election, that was a giant step forward!”

“You keep saying, but then why do I feel so awful?” Myanmar asks.

“Because the election and reforming parliament – those are just first steps.  Of course you’re feeling unsteady.”

The shrink stops and leans forward.  “Look at me. This is where you were in 1990.   You’ve got to take responsibility for your actions, without relying on absolute power.  If the NLD’s 40 some-odd parliamentary seats add up to more influence than you thought? No locking anyone up, no disbanding parliament, no falling back on your addiction pattern.”

“But how do I know what comes next?”  Myanmar asks.

“You don’t,” says the shrink.  “Giving up absolute power is about being brave. In a democracy, the fact that you don’t know doesn’t matter.”

Myanmar scoffs. “Sounds a little utopian, if you ask me.”

The shrink leans back in his chair again.  He thinks for a moment.

“You know how you’ll know it’s working? Everyone will start calling you ‘Myanmar.’”

“They will?”

“Once you start acting like you deserve to be called by the name you want, people will start calling you by the name you want,” the shrink says. “Not just China and ASEAN. Your own people. Everyone.”

“Even Hillary Clinton?” 

“Even Hillary Clinton.”

The psychologist smiles.  “They’ll even start calling you ‘Myanmar’ on the Failed States Index.”

Myanmar tries not to - but lets out a short laugh.

“See that? I made you smile. You have got a sense of humor!”

Myanmar’s trying to be mad, but it’s still smiling.

“Ok,” says the shrink. “When do you have to ratify the results of the election?”

“Later this week, maybe,” Myanmar says.

“I want you to call me if you’re having any second thoughts.  Any time, day or night. You have my cell and my home number.”

Myanmar stands up, preparing to go.  “OK.” It’s back to sounding unconvinced.

“You’ve got a lot of people counting on you,” the shrink says. “You can do it this time.” 

“I know, I know,” Myanmar says. “It’s my decision.”

Also on:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mp-nunan/burma-elections_b_1398107.html

God Emerges as Possible Candidate for Republican Nomination

With Super Tuesday showing no clear winner yet in the Republican primaries, God has signaled that he may throw his hat in the ring for the nomination at the Republican National Convention.

While former pronouncements from the Almighty have taken the form of burning bushes or stone tablets, God’s most recent announcement came via his Twitter feed @DivineBeingforreal – where He posted a link to a recent interview with Oprah, one of his chosen ones.

“My name is being invoked by so many candidates –Gingrich, Santorum, Romney – I might as well run, and cut out the self-appointed middle man,”  God told the talk-show host.

Frontrunner Mitt Romney, a Mormon, is still struggling against the surprisingly strong showing by Rick Santorum, a devout Catholic.  Twice-divorced and a recent Catholic convert, Newt Gingrich has been lagging behind in the polls.  All have invoked religious faith as being central to their presidencies.

“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve heard this many references to me since the Ten Plagues,” said the Lord, who appeared to be in a jovial mood.

“What do you think if we put ‘One nation, under God’ on a bumper sticker?”

Yet God resisted Oprah’s efforts pin him to specifics with questions such as “which God are we going to see at the convention – Old Testament or New,”  intended to provoke a discussion on His viewpoint on gay marriage, abortion and health care.  

Oprah also teased the Lord, asking whether the fire and brimstone rantings of Leviticus were  “like the experimentation we all did in college.”

The Creator gave little away. But He may have shown his hand slightly with a comment about Rick Santorum’s recent declaration that the Crusades “get a bad rap.”

“I mean, what’s next? The Spanish Inquisition?” God chuckled.

Speculation has risen in the media in recent weeks on the possibility of a “brokered” convention, in which no single candidate has a majority of delegates in the first round of voting – paving the way for a dark horse candidate to emerge.

Until the Divine Being’s Twitter posting, much of that speculation revolved around former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie – both of whom God dismissed with a shrug.

Influencing the vote of the 1,144 convention delegates needed to secure the nomination is “not exactly parting the Red Sea,” He said. 

It’s not clear how the Republican party establishment will react to the Almighty’s possible candidacy. Said one Senator, “God may be too far to the left for today’s GOP.”

God underlined that he had not made any decision yet as to whether he would throw his hat in the ring at the Convention, or if not – whether he would endorse any of the other candidates, or President Obama.  He encouraged candidates to worry less about the religious doctrine and to think more about serving their constituents.

“If you put blind faith in me, you’re going to get what you came for,” He said. 

Also running on:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mp-nunan/god-emerges-as-possible-c_b_1325518.html